What is a Real Housewife Anyway?

photo courtesy of bravotv.com

I know you watch them.  I know because I do too.  Those "Real" Fake Housewives of whatever city you prefer.  My latest obsession is the New Jersey gals.  The show is a train wreck!!  That's why I can't stop watching it.  I do watch with a somewhat analytical eye...I am trying to figure out what the heck the angle is besides the fact that everyone loves a good drama.

I just watched the episode where Teresa and Danielle get into a fight at a fashion show.  The fight turns into huge drama and another housewife's daughter, Ashley, pulls Danielle's hair.  (Her defense was that she didn't really pull her hair, she pulled her extensions "which really isn't a part of her.")  I hadn't seen this particular episode before, I had only seen the discussions afterward about going to court, pressing charges, etc.  The actual fight was hilarious!  I was watching it thinking about how staged it was.  It is so staged that I almost bought it.  But who would ever do anything like this and who would stand around and watch it happen?  My own answer is nobody...unless they were being paid a lot of money to do so.

So I decided that if I am going to watch the show I really need to have an objective.  I must learn something from the show if I am going to spend time with these women.  So here is my list of things I've learned so far:

1.  Be sure to have multiple friends named Kim so that they can be referred to as Kim G. and Kim D. and Kim (insert letter).

2.  Don't call anyone honey unless you want them to think you want to kill them after you say it.

3.  Refer to your breasts as "buh-bies".

4.  Hire an "energist" to be a personal trainer for your spirit.  Then you have an excuse to be a bitch because your energist told you that you need to get rid of some of your negative energy.

5.  Hire a bodyguard named Danny who served time in prison.  Make sure he has a volatile side so that he can fight all your catty battles for you.

6.  If you want people to think your are super classy, wear really tall shiny "f***-me" boots.  The taller and shinier the better.  These should be just like the ones in Pretty Woman except use real shoe polish (not a black magic marker) if you scuff them...or just throw them away and get a new pair.

7.    If your son gets kicked out of law school because of his poor grades, hire a lawyer to sue the school to make sure he can either get back in or get into another law school.  This shows him how important his future career as a lawyer is to society.  (Don't worry about talking to him about what got him kicked out in the first place.)

8.  If you are scared of someone because you think they want to cause you bodily harm, be sure to get as close as possible to them and put yourself in situations where you can tease them into "hurting" you.  Then freak out and call the police so that you can be a victim.

I can't wait to put these things into place in my life and continue to use the show as a basis for learning.  I will continue to watch the New Jersey gals and enjoy every move they make.  I hope you will too!